🫱🏾‍🫲🏽Forgiveness 🫱🏾‍🫲🏽

It’s been a long long while since I’ve dropped something new. I’m not sure if we should call this one writer’s block or just not feeling motivated enough to write. It’s normal to go through phases of just not feeling like you, and things like writing no longer feel like second nature - not even for me. To say I’m fully out of that funk, I’d be lying. However, I think it’s braver to still not be feeling 100% like me & still channeling that drive in me to write. Anyways…onto the deep stuff!

In these months of reflection & even in more recent days, I’ve given thought to forgiveness & living with pain/hurt. It’s easy to be branded as ‘forgiving/too forgiving’ but what actual steps have you taken to ensure you’ve actually forgiven as well as forgotten too? I often have felt pressure to forgive faster & I can confirm that this is most definitely not the way. One of my biggest fears, based on experience, is forgiving someone too early. You’ve given them peace of mind & reassurance that things are okay & later down the line you’re still haunted by what they did, you’re still bothered & still affected. And of course, after you’ve forgiven, you feel you can’t go back now - so what happens? You consciously or subconsciously start to build resentment & before you know it, you’re back to where you started.

It’s important to understand that an apology doesn’t guarantee them forgiveness. It’s okay to not forgive straight away & take personal steps to in order to free yourself of that burden. I’ve often felt like with an apology so good, I have no choice but to forgive . In hindsight , I only suppressed my own feelings to protect theirs. ‘Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation’ & once you truly comprehend this , it’ll take the pressure away of feeling the ‘need to forgive’ & let people back in. Forgiveness is for YOU, not for them. You can choose to accept an apology and forgive someone without giving them the opportunity to hurt you again & that is completely okay.

I’m also a strong believer of ‘forgiving in silence’. As stated, forgiveness is for you & sometimes those who have wronged you do not need to know you’ve forgiven them. I’ve had people want forgiveness in order to free themselves of guilt, accountability & to give them peace of mind. Some people will drown you with insincere apologies so they no longer have to live with the wrong they’ve done as opposed to apologising because they are genuinely wrong & have hurt you. Therefore, I prefer forgiving in silence to invite peace & healing into my life without assuring them that they’re free of guilt.

A frequent pattern in my life is having to forgive people that haven’t offered an apology or just aren’t sorry. It’s taken a while to get to the stage I’m at now & I still have a long way to go. I’ve often second guessed my own actions based on the absence of an apology. But I’ve come to learn, an apology doesn’t always determine /confirm you’re right or wrong. We’re dealing with human beings & so everyone is different & sometimes you have to heal without one. I always say closure is in someone’s actions & is not always conversational ; I use this to allow me to accept when it just ‘is what it is’. The process of forgiveness in this circumstance is a lot more delayed & you’re constantly anticipating seeing them & being reminded of the pain/trauma they left you with. Setbacks are absolutely normal & sometimes you may feel silly for forgiving people that do not care - but always remember it’s for you, it’s a part of your growth & healing.